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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24414394">The Mess He Made</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justafewthingstosay/pseuds/Justafewthingstosay'>Justafewthingstosay</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Magnus Archives (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Am I projecting ? yes I am, Guilt, I just want to give Jon a hug, M/M, Self-Doubt, Self-Hatred, Spoilers for S5, Spoilers for all seasons, Survivor Guilt, actually, almost suicidal thoughts, is that so much to ask for, no beta we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 05:55:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,268</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24414394</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Justafewthingstosay/pseuds/Justafewthingstosay</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jon had always been a burden, people had died because of him and after it all he was still here, he was still alive and he hated himself for it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>107</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>The Mess He Made</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The TMA server made me do it<br/>I have no regrets.  I wrote this in one sitting at 1:30am, so please, I'm fully aware of how mediocre this probably is, but I don't care</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was going to happen any moment, Jon knew that it would. He knew that from one second to the next, Martin would drop his hand, turn around and tell him that he can’t do this anymore. He knew that he wasn’t worth Martin’s affection, he wasn’t worth Martins time and he definitely wasn’t worth Martins love. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Martin didn’t seem to see that and Jon sometimes wondered if he was tricking Martin into liking him, if he was manipulating him to stay with him, because he just didn’t understand why Martin would choose to stay. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s not that he didn’t want him to, not at all, Martin was the only thing keeping him going through all of this, through the apocalypse. But, he was just used to it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>People never stayed for Jonathan Sims. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He didn’t make it easy for people to stay, he knew that. He never really invested a lot in friendships or relationships, because they wouldn’t last. It wasn’t hard for people to look around and find someone better than him. Because that was just what he was.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jonathan Sims was replaceable. He had always been and not just that, Jon didn’t remember a time, when people didn’t get fed up with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was grandmother first, It wasn’t her fault, not really, she had thought that she would have been through with raising kids and then, out of nowhere, Jon was sitting at her doorstep. A child to be taken care of, a child to bother her when she wanted to do anything else but care for a young boy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>So, the books started. Jon hadn’t really cared for much entertainment, he didn’t like television, because it tended to give him migraines and he didn’t have any musical talent to speak off, so his grandmother bought him books. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>In the beginning, he had thought she didn’t want him to be bored, that she genuinely wanted him to enjoy himself, but he caught on quickly. </span>
  <span>
    <br/>
    <br/>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If he was reading, he couldn’t speak, ergo, he wouldn’t be bothering her. He didn’t even have a right to be bothering her in the first place, he should have been grateful that she had even taken him in in the first place. So he read his books and kept quiet, letting himself fall further and further into the mysterious worlds that were hidden on those pages. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He let himself be drowned in tales of love and friendship and on bad days, he imagined what that would be like. To have a friend, to have someone that appreciated him, that liked him, that would laugh at his jokes and that would want to spend time with him. Jon knew though, that he was not made to be friends with people, he wasn’t supposed to have friends and he had learned that early enough.  Love wasn’t even a thing that he wanted to consider. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>It was in primary school that he really understood that he wasn’t supposed to ever be loved. He felt it in the punches and in the words of his bully, he felt it in the looks that he got from the other children. He wasn’t like them, he wasn’t allowed to be like them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon was a burden and it was enough that he already put that burden on his grandmother, he didn’t need to hurt everyone else as well. And somehow, even though he took himself out of friendships, buried his nose in his books. He someone still managed to be the reason why his bully died. It had been his fault if he had just snatched the book from the boy’s hand, or if he had read quicker, or if he had just not touched that book in the first place, that boy would still be alive. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Not just him, but everyone else too. Tim had only joined the archives on his request and he sacrificed himself for it. If Jon hadn’t asked him to join him, he would still be alive. The world needed Tim more than it needed Jon, especially with what Jon did to it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If Jon had just died in The Unknowing, if he could trade places with Tim, make sure that the man was safe, that the world was safe from him, he would do it in a heartbeat, but life didn’t work like that, he couldn’t pick and choose. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he thought about it, Jon noticed that every single person that he cared about, was either dead or in danger because of him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If he hadn’t found the worms in the wall, Sasha wouldn’t have been in artefact storage alone, she wouldn’t have been taken.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If he hadn’t allowed Tim to come along, he wouldn’t have died.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If he hadn’t been so terrible to Martin for all those years, he wouldn’t have cast himself into the lonely. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>If Jon wouldn’t have been there, all of his friends would have been safe. Every single one of them. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And still, Martin was here, Martin smiled when he looked at Jon, Martin loved Jon. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Martin didn’t see Jon as the burden he is, he didn’t see the truth that waited behind the loving touches and the statements, but he couldn’t be blind forever. Jon knew that, but he also knew that the only way that he could keep Martin safe, was to stay with him. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He knew that one day, Martin would see. But Jon was a selfish man, and he didn’t want it to happen. He loved Martin with all of his heart and to have him ripped away from him, the warm and gentle hand that held his so confidently, so absentmindedly, as if the only thing that Martin wanted was to make sure that Jon was still here. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon didn’t deserve to be treated with such care, with such love, but as he looked at Martin and saw the dirt that got caught in his hair, the way that his eyes wrinkled when he tried to bring things into focus that were far away when he saw that smile that greeted him whenever Martin noticed that he was looking at him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When he saw all of that, he remembered that it was useless. Martin would always care for him, no matter how hard he tried to convince him not to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And Jon loved Martin for it, he loved his kindness and his caring gestures, he loved how careful he was with Jon like he was something to be cherished. Jon enjoyed that feeling, even though he knew he wasn’t someone to hold dear. He was one of those people that you should stay as far away from as possible if you didn’t want to get hurt. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But Martin, Martin had gotten hurt because Jon had left, he had gotten hurt because Jon had wanted to make sure that Martin knew that he wasn’t worth it. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And as he felt a squeeze around his hand, that he immediately reciprocated with his own, a thought crashed into his head like a wave, maybe Martin was different. Maybe Martin didn’t see him as a burden. Maybe Martin just actually cared for him and wanted to see him happy. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jon knew that he didn’t deserve Martin’s love, but he also knew a truth that was much stronger than that. That Martin had always been a stubborn man. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And if he loved Jon and Jon loved him back, he would do his best to make it work. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because that is just who Martin is, someone that can just make things work and Jon was more than willing to help him make it work. </span>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I just want to give Jon a hug.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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